Wizards and Weed
by g-g-g-unit
Summary: Watch Harry and Hermione as they weave through a school of marijuana addicts! Disclaimer 9/4/11 : I was pretty young when I wrote this story, too young to have smoked before. Just enjoy the story for what it is.


"Ah, our new shipment."

Fred tipped the delivery man a Sickle, and started to put the item on the shelves. It was quite popular in the Muggle world, almost addictive, so Fred and George had decided it would be a nice addition to their non-magical section of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, although it was very expensive. They just expected it to be a moderate seller, but it had become the most wanted thing in their store. It was called marijuana, and was made to smoke. They had never tried it themselves (they weren't the smoking type) but had since put countless amounts of it on their shelves.

"Hey, Fred!"

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had just walked in the store. They, like everyone else, had heard of the new addition to Fred and George's shop, and had come to try it.

"I've heard so much about this stuff!" Ginny exclaimed, holding a small bag of the herb in her hands.

"Yeah, Seamus and Dean can't get enough of it. Every day I see them in the Owlery, sending in order forms in for more," Ron said.

"I must admit though, I didn't expect it to be this popular," said George, who had just walked into the store from a back room. "You're supposed to smoke it, I think. Will you be buying some, Hermione?"

Hermione was examining a bag in her hands.

"Is this marijuana?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"Yep. How did you know the name anyway?" Fred asked.

"Well, other than the fact that Parvati and Lavender smoke it every day in the dorms, everyone knows about it in the muggle world. It's a horrible drug, an addictive and expensive one too, as I've heard," Hermione replied.

Harry was also eyeing a bag suspiciously.

"Yeah, I've seen Dudley and his loser friends smoking this stuff on some street corners," Harry said.

"So, are you buying it or not?" George asked impatiently.

"Definitely!" Ron and Ginny responded enthusiastically.

"I think I'll pass," Hermione said.

"I'm not sure," Harry said quietly.

"C'mon, Harry," Ron said impatiently.

"Well, Seamus and Dean are acting a bit too weird for my liking. And I don't want to do anything that Dudley does, to tell you the truth."

"Okay, whatever," Ron replied.

A week later...

Smoke wafted through the dormitory. Harry coughed again, a sight all too familiar in these days. Ron, Seamus, and Dean were all sitting on Seamus's bed, naked, smoking another batch of grass from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. They were no longer his friends- just soulless shells, covered in the stench of marijuana. It seemed like every student in Hogwarts was a weed addict except for Harry, Hermione, and Neville (Neville's gran wouldn't let him have it).

"Hey, man, why don't you, like, come over, like, here so you can get, like, high with us. It's, like, awesome, man!" Ron asked.

"I've told you a million times, no! And I really don't want to see you three naked!" Harry replied vehemently.

"Wait, ma-"

Harry had walked out of the dormitory, and went down to the common room. There was an even larger cloud of smoke here, and he almost tripped over Colin Creevey, who was lying flat on the floor. He then saw Hermione, who had just performed a bubble-head charm on herself, walking out of her dormitory, who was looking equally disgruntled and disgusted as he.

"Hey, Harry. You're leaving the common room too, right?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, but I'm pretty hungry. I'm going to the Great Hall for breakfast."

"Let's just hope everyone's smoking in their common rooms or in the Owlery."

They climbed out of the portrait hole, and walked down the Grand Staircase to the Great Hall, expecting to take many detours, but had an uneventful trip, to their relief. But as soon as Harry's hand grasped the door handle, Professor McGonagall barged out, coughing, with a large cloud of smoke following her.

"Ugh-Potter, I wouldn't-ugh-go in there," coughed out McGonagall.

"Umm, thanks, Professor," said Harry.

McGonagall then walked, while still coughing, to her office.

"What do you want to do now, 'Mione? I'm still hungry," asked Harry.

"I don't know...wait, why don't we go to the kitchens for a bit? I doubt that the house-elves would be smoking," said Hermione.

"I hope not," replied Harry.

"But they certainly have the right to smoke!" Hermione shrieked fanatically.

They then took the short walk to the kitchens. When they entered the room, they saw hundreds of house-elves scurrying around. Harry then stopped a house elf with high, pointed ears.

"Excuse me, but can we have something small to eat?" Harry asked politely.

"Sorry, Master, sir, we are all serving Master Weasley currently, sir," the house-elf replied.

"Ron's here?" Hermione asked incredulously.

But she got no response. The house-elf had resumed its path, and scurried along into another room. Harry and Hermione followed him and they saw...

"Ginny?"

She was standing up, with a bag of pork rinds in one hand, and a turkey leg in the other, alternating bites between the two. A disgusting mix of sauces and condiments was splattered about her face. Her eyes were bloodshot; she gave no sign of noticing her two friends. Hermione recoiled in disgust.

"I know, isn't that horrible," said Harry, who was also disgusted at Ginny's display.

"I know, it's terrible that she's making the house-elves work so hard," replied Hermione.

"Let's just go, this is getting to be really nasty," said Harry, who was now watching Ginny shove mayonnaise down her throat.

They quickly left the kitchens, went up the stairs, and into the Entrance Hall. At that time, something hit Harry.

"Hermione, why doesn't Dumbledore just ban smoking?" asked Harry.

"He thinks that if he gives the smokers a second chance, they'll stop tomorrow," replied Hermione.

As Harry was left to wonder the extent to which Dumbledore would give another chance to anyone, Ron, Seamus, Dean, Parvati, and Lavender walked loudly out of the door from the Grand Staircase.

"Man, that was, like, the best batch ever," Dean said stupidly.

"Yeah, man, that was awesome," Seamus said.

"Yeah, remember last night, Seamus?" Lavender said obnoxiously.

"Uhh...yeah...I guess."

"I wanna do it again."

Lavender and Seamus walked together into a nearby corridor. Parvati and Dean were both staring at each other, with blank looks on their faces.

"Uhh...hi," Dean said.

They both started laughing hysterically.

"Uhh...Dean...you wanna...go in there...alone...together?" Parvati asked.

"Yeah, man," Dean replied.

And they ran together, heading for a nearby dungeon corridor, when...

"WATCH OUT!" Hermione yelled.

But it was too late. Dean and Parvati had run straight into a door headfirst. They got up quickly, started laughing stupidly again, and after five hard-fought minutes Dean finally found the doorknob and opened the door. Now, Ron was left alone with Hermione and Harry. He looked a bit jealous of the two high couples, and aimed a bloodshot eye at Hermione.

"Hey, 'Mione, wanna make out?"

Even though Hermione had a crush on the pre-marijuana Ron, he could feel an outburst coming.

"I WOULDN"T SNOG YOU IF IT WAS A CHOICE IN BETWEEN YOU AND VOLDEMORT!"

Harry buried his face in his hands. He thought that everyone in the room would turn, and stare at Hermione, silent, for she had just said Voldemort's name out loud. What he didn't expect, however, was alot of loud murmuring.

"Dope? Where?" he heard a Hufflepuff third year say.

"There's weed here?" a Slytherin fifth year asked.

"I think it's up there!" said Ginny, who had just caught up with them, while pointing at the ceiling.

Everyone in the Entrance Hall was looking hopefully around the hall, hoping to find marijuana. But then, to Harry and Hermione's horror, Ron pointed a finger at them.

"THEY HAVE IT!" Ron yelled.

Now, everyone in the whole Entrance Hall turned to look at Harry and Hermione.

"GET THEM!" Ginny screamed.

All of the students in the hall started closing in on them. Harry saw Hermione trying to fight off the crazed addicts in vain, while he was doing the same.

"IMPEDIMENTA...IMPEDIMENTA...IMPEDIM...argh," Hermione was desperately screaming, only to be hit in the back of the head with Ginny's wand. Harry was faring a bit better.

"INCARCEROUS...PETRIFICUS TOTALUS...IMPEDIMENTA," Harry roared, stopping three addicts. But then, Harry felt a blunt object hit him hard in the back of his head, and everything went black.

Harry awoke to find himself lying in his bed. He then realized that this was all a dream, and a horrible one it was. But he then realized that he was naked, while he always slept with warm pajamas. And to his horror, his arms and legs were tied to the poles of his four-poster. The sharp realization of what was happening was hitting him. Harry looked up to find Ginny sitting on the edge of his bed, also in the nude.

"You finally up, baby? I been waiting for ya," Ginny said stupidly.

"GINNY!" Harry yelled, shaking his bed, trying to free himself from the ropes binding him to his four-poster. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"No. I gonna give you everything I gots, and that's a hell of alot," Ginny rambled on.

"ARE YOU GOING TO RAPE ME?" Harry asked incredulously.

"I'm just gonna give you a lesson in se-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Harry heard Hermione yell in the bed next to his.

"C'mon, bab-"

"GET...THE...HELL...AWAY...FROM ...ME!" Hermione screamed.

Harry looked at Ron's bed. And he couldn't help screaming at what he saw. Hermione was also tied to a bed, naked, and Ron was on top of her, also in the nude. But Harry was cut off when Ginny started licking Harry's neck.

"Oooooh, you like dat, don't cha," Ginny said.

"GINNY, GET THE HELL OFF ME!" Harry roared.

Ginny pulled away and stared at him. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot.

"Now that was just the appetizer. It's time for the main course, hone-"

"LEAVE! GO, GO, GO NOW!" Harry yelled.

"Nah. I'm gonna start right about...n-"

There was a loud bang, and the dormitory door flew open. Dumbledore rushed in, with a furious look on his face.

"STOP!" Dumbledore roared ferociously.

Now, even though Ginny and Ron were as high as they could be, they still had the common sense to get off their victims, and go to cower in a corner. Hermione was the first to speak.

"Thank you, Professor for saving us. I'm so happy that this is o-"

"Over? I was just wondering if I could join in," said Dumbledore with a maniacal gleam in his eyes, while putting some hand-rolled marijuana in his mouth and lighting it with the tip of his wand.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! " Harry and Hermione yelled at the same time.

Harry came up with a last-ditch plan. He groped around his nightstand for his wand, and found it. He then pointed his wand at Hermione, and shouted "AVADA KEDAVRA!" A streak of green light hit her in the chest, and she limped to the side of her bed, dead. Harry then pointed his wand toward his own face, and thought for a second, _should I really do this_? Then, he looked up and saw Dumbledore naked, standing over his bed. His decision was sealed.

He turned his wand on himself, and yelled "AVADA KEDAVRA!"


End file.
